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Top 5 Self-Publishing Mistakes Writers Make

On Self-Publishing Mistakes Self-publishing mistakes can cost time and money, which is why many writers shy away from it … But what if I told you the biggest self-publishing mistakes are actually EASY to avoid? This list will help you avoid the most obvious self-publishing mistakes and get your book out there. Ready? Let’s go … Mistake #1: Bad cover art Why’s this one first?? Well, rightly or wrongly – because EVERYONE judges a book by their cover!!! Ideally, you need a cover designer whose speciality is cover art. There’s lots out there, including designers who create ‘ready-made’ covers that… Read More »Top 5 Self-Publishing Mistakes Writers Make

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The Best (Most Delicious?) Spam Email EVER!

I get awesome Spam – and despite this one previously being my best for the last year or so, I think this one’s gonna take some beating. Enjoy!————————————————————-Hello there, Can I just say, before we begin – that outfit is very fetching, you look lovely today. Simply lovely. I know your inbox is clogged with all sorts of unsolicited mail promising you larger this or smaller that or drugs or cheap watches – all of which are just thinly veiled attempts to separate you from your money. Well this is email is different, this email is a revolutionary new concept… Read More »The Best (Most Delicious?) Spam Email EVER!

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Wrong Number… Wrong Email?

We all get wrong number phone calls, I even wrote about one the other week in which I was mistaken for the mysterious Cerys Mitchell. It’s easy to do, especially in this age of the push-button telephone. But wrong emails are another matter. I’ve obviously received lots of spam in my inbox, but never an email conversation from one of my contacts destined for someone else. Until today. The first one: J, I told you to get that f****** copy in yesterday and it’s still not here! I write back, Hi, that message isn’t destined for me. See you Friday.… Read More »Wrong Number… Wrong Email?

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Pay Close Attention

If you’re wondering what you should do with your life, then you must take heed of this call to action that popped into my inbox this morning: The Fundamentaloids now must know, speaking in the vulgar argot of this planet. I was told that Jim and we shall talk of far more interesting things. Music. You must friend. Somewhere underground so my jaw radio probably wouldn’t work. Go forth friends: we must travel underground. Just don’t bother taking your jaw radios. Have a fab weekend!

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Just Passing Through…

Well, I have a telephone line installed but apparently it’s going to take 20 EFFING DAYS for my ISP to move my broadband. WTF? I wouldn’t mind so much if I say, moved from Devon to Dorset, that’s a pretty long way so I could imagine my Broadband struggling to catch up with us… But no: I have moved LITERALLY ACROSS THE ROAD. How hard is it to move broadband from one side of the road to the other, hmmmmmm? Is my broadband still sitting in the old house, its feet up, watching porn (it’d have enough access). Maybe it’s… Read More »Just Passing Through…

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A Note To Spammers

Dear Mr. Spam Man, Thanks for letting me win the lottery three times a week average. I don’t deal in Euros, Dollars or Yen though, so I’d appreciate it if you could actually just send me my winnings for the draw that I actually didn’t enter in a suitcase or bag marked “SWAG” in Pounds Sterling. Ta. Cheers also to the lovely fellows with unpronouncable names who say that because I am “obviously” a good Christian, they can trust me to look after their squillions of pounds whilst they run away from oppressive regimes and gain asylum in the UK.… Read More »A Note To Spammers

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The King Of Spam

The best I’ve seen yet… And even with the subject line of “Viagra: Be a Big Cummer.” Niiice. Happy Halloween, one and all. Aegon rose up in rebellion against his trueborn brother and took for his sigil a black dragon. These said at last. It would have to be one of them. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Osney Kettleblack resting place. That was a grievous error. Some other wayfarer found my marker and claimed it for when she asked him to teach her the sword. Is that what you want, child? Her old master-at-arms.

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So Now You Know Boys

As I’ve posted before, I get great spam. I get a lot of rude stuff in particular (I’m told ‘cos “bang” is saucy in The States) and there’s nothing like adverts for Viagra etc in broken English to cheer you up in the morning. However, this is probably my favourite to date, subject line “Wanna Know Secret Success Relationship?”: Gals never leave guys who give them great orgasm. Simple.

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I Love Spam

Just received this: A rabbit carcass in its stiffened fur.Gray the cloud-like oaksBetween the high and the low, in this night.A salamander scuttles across the quiet;The weight of being born into exile is lifted.XVI. Laying a Ghost: The Jeannette and the Fram,The high whites spread over the buried earth.Cascading snowflakes settle in the pines,(The face of a Quos’ ego),Now that you notice it — have just moved pastWhiteness, those pediments that riseAstonished that you have returned to go:Yes. You’d want that said, (if you turnRight, and appears from here to be overcomeOf Boyg of Normandy . . .)Swaying in unison… Read More »I Love Spam

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