Can I just say, before we begin – that outfit is very fetching, you look lovely today. Simply lovely.
I know your inbox is clogged with all sorts of unsolicited mail promising you larger this or smaller that or drugs or cheap watches – all of which are just thinly veiled attempts to separate you from your money.
Well this is email is different, this email is a revolutionary new concept – POLITE JUNK MAIL!
It’s similar to the normal kind except there are NO BAD CONSEQUENCES FOR ANYONE and no one gets hurt, ripped off or sold things they don’t want. It’s time to make the nasty business of unwanted emails work for the people for a change. And by ‘the people’, I of course mean – me.
Let me be very clear about this – this is a chain letter and I am trying to separate you from your money – but only a tiny, tiny fraction of it. You see, I want you to BUY ME AN ASTON MARTIN.
“Ridiculous!” I hear you cry. “How can I, Johnny or Janey Normal, possibly afford to buy you, random Internet stranger, a £110,000 luxury car?”
Well, obviously, you can’t. And neither can I, which is how all this came about. You see, I would like nothing more in the world than to own an Aston Martin – yes, I know I should be wishing for world peace or an end to poverty or some such; but I’d really much rather have an Aston Martin. We haven’t got much use for world peace round our way and in a sense I am trying to put an end to poverty on a very specific and personal basis.
Rest assured though, there will be no attempt to glean any personal information from you, nowhere will you be asked to fill in any forms and we will have no personal contact. If you fail to follow the instructions in this email NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU OR YOUR LOVED ONES. Conversely, if you do follow the instructions, nothing good will happen to you or your loved ones either. I, on the other hand, will be one teeny-tiny step closer to owning a brand new Aston Martin; and my loved ones will be able to share in my joy as they watch me drive up and down – I won’t be letting them inside because they’re a bit on the grubby side and might ruin the leather.
So what am I actually asking for?
Not much, as it happens.
If you would be so kind, please visit www.buymeanastonmartin.com – if you don’t want to click on this link (and that’s very sensible and prudent of you) then feel free to type it into the search engine of your choice. You should instantly be delivered to a lovely site which gives you more details, including pictures of the car I want, the total raised so far and a list of FAQ’s.
If you then feel so inclined, you can help me in any one of three ways:
1) Donate a tiny sum of money. About 50p sounds lovely to me. You probably won’t miss it and I’ll be 50p closer to owning an Aston Martin. You can donate more, you can donate less – it’s totally up to you.
2) Forward this email on to everyone in your address book – spread the word, spread the Aston Martin love … just don’t spread the wealth any further than me.
3) Both of the above.
And that’s it. Simple, isn’t it?
Once again, let me assure you – this isn’t a scam or a joke, there’s no gypsy’s curse attached to this missive and not a single penny of this money is going to charity. It is exactly what it purports to be, a lone individual (a crazy dreamer some might say) trying to use the modern phenomenon of junk mail to bring a little joy to the world.
My world, true, but it still counts.
Please take care of you and yours, it would be absolutely lovely to hear from you soon, lovelier if you could pass this on and loveliest if you could spare a little loose change.
Yours, in eternal optimism
An Aston Martin fan