All About Slam Reviewers
Slam Reviewers are different to actual reviewers. Here’s why: my objection is not that slam reviewers didn’t enjoy a book, TV show or movie … that’s absolutely fine.
Hell, giving a one star review is fine! I’ve said it multiple times on this blog and I’ll say it again … our writing is not ‘for everyone’ and that’s part of life’s rich tapestry. We have to accept this as writers. We do this by letting go and moving on.
But slam reviewers are those who take it one step further
They will give a bad review (again, fine) … but then make all sorts of assumptions about the writer and writing that just don’t stand up to scrutiny. In fact, some of these assumptions will be outright LIES.
Every creative alive knows this pain. This is why I have rounded up the most common lies slam reviewers tell in their reviews below. Authors, screenwriters, producers and filmmakers — have you ever had any of these? Let’s go!
1) ‘Nothing happens in this story’
‘Nothing happens in this story’ has to be one of the most egregious lies slam reviewers tell online. After all, who the hell sets out to write a book, movie, or TV show where literally ‘nothing happens’? Is this even possible???
One of the reasons I am always transparent about my own bad reviews is so my fellow Bang2writers can see the patterns. I also spend an extraordinary amount of time talking about plotting on this site. It’s literally my life’s work!
So, what are the odds of me ‘forgetting’ to include a plot … versus someone simply not liking the plot??? Not liking the plot does not mean ‘nothing happens’!
Yet slam reviewers feel very comfortable even telling ME how ‘nothing happens’ in my novels. This even includes one of my stories that literally opens with a young boy stabbing his father to death! Erm, okay. MORE: Top 10 Tips About Bad Reviews
2) ‘I guessed the ending immediately within minutes/pages’
No, you didn’t. When so many creatives are ‘pantsing’ their stories, even they don’t know what the ending is BEFORE they write it!
But even those writers who DO write outlines will still discover various elements of the story *as* they’re writing it. So stop fibbing!
3) ‘Full of stereotypes & clichés’
It’s definitely true that unconscious bias exists. It’s also true that writers have only really picked up the mantle to make more of an effort on this in the last decade or so … plus it will take WAAAAAY longer to counter-act all the BS that came before. I’ve written a whole-ass non-fiction book about this issue, not to mention a plethora of articles on this very site.
However, slam reviewers don’t talk about this issue in their reviews. Instead, they use words like ‘stereotype’ when they mean archetype, plus ‘cliché’ when they mean ‘I don’t like this’.
4) ‘The character/s = unlikeable’
So? Perhaps the character is not meant to be likeable. I love an antiheroine and have included many in my books. So, if you’re not meant to ‘like’ her, what are you supposed to take from her journey? Unfortunately, this is beyond most slam reviewers.
5) ‘It’s just lazy writing’
This one is probably my favourite. In novel writing, authors get accused of being ‘lazy’ constantly. Yet writing even a terrible story takes the same amount of effort as a great story, so how can this match up? (Spoiler: it can’t).
In screenwriting, it’s apparently always the writer’s fault too … no one gets hauled over the coals more. Yet bad direction is a thing, plus lack of money and other filmmaking constraints.
But hey! Why let all that get in the way when you can accuse somebody’s blood, sweat, and tears over their story — sometimes for YEARS! — of being pure ‘laziness’?
6) ‘[XYZ] would never happen’
No shit, Sherlock – it’s fiction. Imposing reality on fiction and insisting on accuracy no matter what misses the point. Creatives need to sacrifice facts for drama because literalism is not the end game here. Emotional truth counts more.
7) ‘I’m reviewing things that weren’t even in the story’
Slam reviewers LOVE to do this. Very often they will have a specific beef with the creative for some reason. This might be personal and someone from real-life wants to put them in their ‘place’.
Alternatively, the creative may come from a marginalised group. This means people from the dominant group wants to lament how ‘woke’ they are or some other crap. Yet people who aren’t cishet, abled white males exist. Deal with it.
8) ‘Police/ medical / teaching / other institutions don’t work like that’
Except most writers do fact-checking research. It’s never been easier. If you look in the acknowledgements of books, or the credits of TV shows or movies, consultants’ names are frequently right there.
So what’s more likely … that the creatives have simply ‘forgotten’ how stuff works? Or they are sacrificing facts for drama?
9) ‘I would have written it THIS way’
Good for you. So go do it, slam reviewers! And then chew on your own slam reviews. Trust me, you WILL get them!
10) ‘The writer didn’t research enough’
Strongly connected to #5 on this list. Whilst some creatives are indeed slapdash about research, it’s always surprising to new writers how little research you DO need.
After all, we’re writing stories, not dissertations. Very frequently too much research slows down the story. The same people slamming the story for ‘not enough’ research would soon be pissed at too much, too!
Another thing I always find fascinating is how often slam reviewers flag up shit as ‘unrealistic’ that I HAVE researched and in detail!
I’m a huge fan of what I call ‘deep research’. This means I love to double-check random bits of info to see if they really do work in real-life or not. For example, in one book my character has a broken arm. She has to steal a car to get away. I wondered if I could break into a car, one-handed and then drive it away … so I broke into my husband’s.
Guess what: I did it! Yay. (He was not pleased). Anyway, this didn’t stop a slam reviewer saying this ‘couldn’t’ be possible and that I ‘hadn’t researched enough’. Arf.
11) ‘I hate-read/hate-watched this story, but still expected to like it’
Seriously. STFU. Go read or watch the countless other embarrassment of riches out there and stop complaining.
12) ‘Why the hell did characters do or not do [XYZ]??’
I can’t tell you how many times my novels have been lambasted in slam reviews for apparently NOT having stuff that is literally in there. This is because the reviewer was not paying attention, but decided their lack of insight was my fault. Sigh!
Y’see, if you’re not that engaged then you will miss things. People who skim-read or watch TV shows while doom-scrolling are not going to get the full experience of the story.
So how do you really know the characters DIDN’T do/not do what you wanted them to? OR that there wasn’t another, equally good reason put forward? Answer: you can’t.
13) ‘The way I experienced [XYZ] in the story is the ONLY way!’
Sadly, sometimes people from within the SAME marginalised group may do this too to ‘prove’ the creative didn’t ‘deserve’ to write the story. MORE: The Uncomfortable Truth About #OwnVoices Stories
14) ‘I wanted it to be MY story’
Ah, jealousy. The slam reviewers that do this always make it sooooooo obvious. They will mention in the text of the review that the creative ‘doesn’t deserve’ to have something produced or published.
Alternatively, they will give it away with their online handle. It never takes long to work out. They hated your work because they wish they were in your place.
15) ‘The writer should’ve done [XYZ]’
Except we did … in the many weeks, months or even years of the drafting process. Guess what?
It didn’t work!
The idea slam reviewers can engage with a story ONCE and see ‘obvious’ fixes the writer didn’t consider is genuinely hilarious.
Last Points
If you take nothing else away from this post as a creative, take this … Slam Reviewers are egotists. You can try and appease them, but they always change the goalposts. It is not worth the effort or headspace. Move on and forget them.
Of course, you can antagonise them on purpose via your storytelling if you like!!
I do because I am a wind-up merchant. I may do this via social media (‘dudeflakes’ and ‘femcritters’) and even occasionally in my actual books. It amuses me, especially as those types fall for it every time. I’m not the only one either: hardboiled crime novelist Jim Thompson was doing it as far back as the 1950s.
Learn to recognise the patterns of slam reviewers, then you need never worry about their BS ever again. (But of course, don’t forget: the more you create, the more slam reviews you will receive. It’s just the way of things and the price of being visible. Also, some people are dicks. We all know this).
I found this uplifting and comforting. Like many writers one of my dreads is people hating my work. This holds me back. Knowing that I won’t be alone in having slam reviews / and that these reviews are unconstructive criticism at its worse – sets me free to get published and be damned! Thanks so much Lucy!
Glad it helped, Ffion! It’s horrible when you get a slam review and unfortunately, in this day and age it seems like there’s a plethora of people out there telling us we suck. But once we realise this not only happens to every creative, but also slam reviewers say the ‘same-old, same-old’, we can take the power back.
I can relate to everything you said. Egotistical people can’t get out of their own head space to be impartial. I love the one who couldn’t find much to say about my one novel so she said it was poorly formatted and didn’t load right. I knew better. I checked to make sure all the forms I had out there worked. And then there’s the ones who want something for free and will slam your work if they don’t get it. One of the reasons I stopped the lottery give-a-ways. There was always one or two who felt entitled and wanted free stuff just because they were special.
I ignore the slam reviewers. The only one I responded to was the one who said I shouldn’t use all the foul language when there was a warning on the book for language and adult situations.
Ugh, been there too! The egotistical and freebie hunters can be dreadful, plus those who complain about technology hardly ever realise it’s usually THEM, not us!
Great article, many thanks! I spent many years working on a script doing research taking courses etc. I paid for a professional review from a so called expert. They didn’t do the review but gave it to someone else. The opening statement was “..the only thing I had accomplished was finishing the script..”! The telephone call that came with the review package was cancelled a half hour before because the reviewer was busy and it wasn’t convenient. I had set aside the day for this. All the reviewer had to say was I enjoyed reading your script, the following points need some work….Why treat a paying client like a swamp creature?
That sounds like APPALLING customer service, I’m so sorry that happened to you. Bang2write would never treat a writer in such a shoddy and disrespectful way.