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Dear Sir/Madam …

… I couldn’t be bothered to look up your actual name, even though it would be easy to find on your website. I follow your company on Twitter though, so hope you will accept this screenplay. I didn’t check if you’re actually interested in screenplays or this genre or subject matter – LOL – but figure it won’t matter ‘cos it’s SO BRILLIANT you will be blown away by my ninja writing skillz and want it straight away anyway.

This is the story of my life which I think is so amazing and all my friends tell me would make a great movie. I know though that stories set in the UK don’t do well though, so have taken the liberty of setting it in California even though I’ve never been there ‘cos that’s where all the big stories are made and where all the money is. It just makes sense.

I sent my screenplay to a couple of readers but they just didn’t get the story. Amateurs. I mean, if they were real readers, they’d be able to actually read, right?! I went to a story conference and the bloke said that structure is a big thing in movies but I reckon it’s too much of a constraint and we should try and fragment the narrative, like this other guy at another conference said whose book I bought. I think he knows what he was talking about because he talked to me at the end and said I could send him my script for a thousand dollars. He’s still got it but I’m sure he will have some great things to say about it. No news is good news as they say!

I know you will like my script but you will also like me cos I know it’s not all down to the producer or agent to do all the work. I’ve met lots of them now at events and all of them tell me I should get in touch with their assistants. None of them have got back to me yet because they’re all so busy but soon there will be a bidding war over my work. Once a producer in London asked me in to her office but mysteriously had to leave halfway through the meeting, but that was just bad luck. An agent told me I was just too experienced – he didn’t see where he could take me. That’s how on the ball I am.

I don’t have any Twitter followers or Facebook friends because I’m all about the writing. I can’t even allow the time for a blog. It’s the script or nothing as far as I’m concerned. A few people online contacted me once about collaborating on a project but turns out they were just a bunch of chancers cos they had no money to speak of and thought they could rip me off. Lucky I’m so on the ball or I could have wasted a lot of time there making films with them for no reason!

Anyway. If you want to catch a rising star on the way up, my number’s on the front of the script. Looking forward to speaking with you!

Yours sincerely (or is it faithfully with Sir/Madam? Can never remember).

A. Deluded

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