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Guest Post: Postcard From La By Jared Kelly

As regular Bang2writers know, my good friend Jared (yes THE Jared that went to the WRONG pub that time) won Julie Gray’s Just Effin’ Entertain Me screenplay contest. As you may NOT know, Jared nearly didn’t enter his fantastic horror script DESCENDANT into the contest… Luckily for him he decided to heed my hysteria and threats and made it just in time. It seemed Julie loved Descendant’s DEVASTATING ending just as much as I did and Jared’s only won an AMAZING all expenses paid trip to LA to schmooze with Hollywood bigwigs, which he’s undertaking right now! Of course I couldn’t let the opportunity pass without him letting the blog know how it’s going, so here you are. Enjoy!
Dear Frau Schreibenführer,

I thought I’d drop you a brief missive from Los Angeles (before I end up buried in the Nevada Desert with my cock stuffed in my mouth) to say thanks for suggesting/encouraging/ordering/threatening me to fire my horror script across the pond to the land of genre.

As you well know, I had no interest in ever entering any script into any competition, yet here I am writing to you from my sunny hotel on sunny Beverly Boulevard, in the sun, with the sun shining down in its sunny way, making everything a lot more sunny and warm and also a bit more sunny. The sporadic gentle wafting of maple syrup and desperation adds to the delightful accompaniment of roaring V8s, rock music, and the cries of sun-kissed avocados being mashed to a viridescent pulp. “Holy guacamole, Batman!” (You can have that one for free, Christopher Nolan.)

The lovely Julie Gray collected me from the airport yesterday and drove us straight to a wonderful little bar in Hollywood. Famous for its decor, cocktails and beautiful t?e?e?t?h? staff, I proceeded to drink them dry of a well known Irish cocktail called Guinness. Muchos boozing later, Julie decided to continue celebrating the horror genre that brought me to these sunny shores by taking me to the Mexican restaurant where Sharon Tate ate her last meal before being brutally murdered by Charles Manson. Nice. I avoided the salsa.

This afternoon I’ve got a meeting with an industry giant at a giant company (when I say “meeting” I obviously mean “grinning constantly and rapidly rotating my thumbs while enacting impromptu little tap dances”) and later tonight Julie has arranged a celebratory ‘winner’ thing at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, which involves dining with a legendary writer of SNL, Simpsons and King of the Hill fame.

Julie’s been amazing and has got me doing all sorts of brilliant industry stuff, culminating in a meeting at Dreamworks. Between her and my brilliant, intelligent, clever, smart, handsome and very astute agent (does he read your blog?) I’m going to be so ball-deep in Hollywood these next few weeks I fully expect to come back with friction burns, plastic breasts, several therapists and engaged to a toy dog called Choo-Choo-Lou-Lou the Third.

Give my regards to Blighty and many thanks for the push. xx

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