If you’re wondering how Twitter works or even if you’re there already, I thought I’d compose a (mostly) tongue in cheek about the types of characters you can find on there:

The Dullard. We all know the one: s/he likes to tell us EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOING at this given moment, all the time – whether it’s eating a sandwich, cooking or waiting for someone to pop round. Yawn. UNFOLLOW.

The Oversharer. Whether it’s an anecdote about a urine infection, an ingrown toenail or the fact your dog is humping your leg RIGHT THIS MINUTE, we don’t want to hear it! Often The Oversharer merges into the Dullard, too.

The Self Promoter. OK, OK, we get it: social networking is a useful tool for any blogger, writer, actor, band, singer or whatever trying to get their wares/abilities to market. But does every single tweet HAVE to be about your site, book, CD, show or DVD??? And thanks for all the Direct Messages too – NOT.

The Promoter of The Self Promoter. Sometimes these people know the offending Self Promoter in real life and take it upon themselves to help their mate out; other times it’s fan boyz and girlz who believe – usually wrongly – they’ll get in the good books of said Self Promoter. Do your own stuff people!

The “Tell Me, Tell Mes”. These Tweeps need to ask Twitter EVERYTHING – whether it’s what movie to rent or whether to break up with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they’ll want their Tweeps’ opinion before they decide ANYTHING.

The Yes/No Brigade. There are some people whose only answers to any tweet appears to be Yes or No. Really. Often after you have forgotten what question it was you asked. WTF?

The Lurkers. These are those strange people who don’t tweet themselves, but read your tweets. As a result, they’ll probably Facebook and try and talk to you there instead – but you freak out and wonder how the hell they knew all this stuff about you. IGNORE IGNORE.

The Misery. Life sucks and so do you… The occasional tweet about being down is fine – you have our sympathy – but constant ones about how hard life is aren’t really the point of Twitter! Often noted for their absence when other Tweeters have good news.

The Luv Its. The Luv Its make constant joyous proclamations to the whole of Twitter, such as how wonderful their spouse is or how much they love university, their job, Mum or dog. Luv Its will often find their @ boxes full of cynicism, usually from The Miseries.

The Serial Linker. This character links to everything in the known universe, all the time. Sometimes it’s for a specific subject, so they actually perform an invaluable service, like @UnkScreenwriter or @MMonFilm for us screenwriters (if you don’t follow them – WHY NOT?). Other times The Serial Linker is entirely random and not as useful since s/he is just as likely to link to you something unpleasant as interesting, so after a while you just. stop. clicking.

The Serial Retweeter. Yes, everyone on the whole of Twitter is funnier, more interesting and has more to say than you. So why are you here??

The Guru. Uses Twitter to posit impossible questions or supposed philosophical observations; s/he rarely makes sense and is too often a teenager who thinks they’re like, well-deep man innit.

The Proud Parent. OK, your kid’s the best… But so is mine. Can also include the “Mums and Dads” of various pets, especially dogs. Willing to swap photos and further anecdotes on Facebook and email.

The Hashtag King/Queen. OK, OK, hashtags are useful – especially for stuff like #scriptchat. And it’s funny the first time to post useless hashtags like #earwig. But now? Joke’s over.

The Baiter. Doesn’t matter what it is – they will start an argument over it. [And yes, I know this is *soooooooooo* me]. The upside: they will follow you back just carry on arguments for days via all social networking utilities and email, so if you want to procrastinate at work, this is the person to follow & engage with.

The Would-Be Killer. Could Twitter actually be a vent for would-be homicidal maniacs? Maybe, judging the amount of writers in particular who *would* kill or attack various other Tweeps for a variety of misdemeanors ranging from a difference of opinion through to getting through on various competitions and initiatives they haven’t… Now, if those homicidal tweeps *just* knew where the offenders lived in REAL LIFE. (Yes I know this is me too).

And finally:

The Egotist. The self-made king or queen of his/her own “Hive Mind”, the Egotist will often address the whole of Twitter directly and/or ask it to do impossible things for him/her – like *somehow* bringing coffee, bagels or chocolate appears to be the favourite, though fixing the weather, the internet or their life bring up the rear. Often a celebrity or well-known in their field, they never follow you back and certainly never reply to @ messages or #FFs.

Have I missed any? If so, post in the comments and I’ll add it to the list. Follow me on Twitter.