I wrote a while back there are some things so mental in so-called “real life” you couldn’t possibly put it in a script – and plenty of you left similarly bonkers tales in the comments section.

So, here’s another one. The lad and I were walking home from school yesterday afternoon on our usual route – and my boy FOUND A LIVE SNAKE IN A HEDGE.

It was quite long – perhaps 25cm – but very skinny; it was bright red and speckly and clearly not even vaguely indigenous to the UK, so natch I was a little concerned it was poisonous (though some Googling later I realise it was an albino corn snake, like the one in the pic). What it was doing in a hedge was unclear: from the angle, it appears as if some *lovely* (not) soul had thrown it from a car, undoubtedly an unwanted pet. I attempted to call the RSPCA but of course I had no credit on my phone. Tried to put credit on the phone and it told me my card was declined – even though I had used it literally five minutes before. Perhaps in the panic I had put the wrong numbers in. Whatever: THERE’S A SNAKE IN THE HEDGE!!!!

Anyway, my boy is a lot calmer than me and says, “Go and get someone from the garage, Mum” as if I’M the kid. I go and do what he says and ask the bloke there if he can call the RSPCA. He doesn’t believe there’s a snake in the hedge, so wants to come and see it. He swiftly goes to get his gloves: “What are you doing??” I shriek, “It could be poisonous!”

He says, “It’s alright, if it bites me I ain’t got nothing else on tonight.”

So he gets big car mechanic type gloves and picks it up. “What is it, do you think?” I say, meaning the breed of snake.

“Well I’d definitely say it’s a snake.” He says gravely.