I had a kid when I was still a kid and got married in the space of five minutes and didn’t live to regret it (even though sometimes I do wish I could kill my husband and get away with it), so all the normal GROWN UP STUFF is really not that scary to me. A friend of mine confessed he was terrified at the thought of his first child turning up (any day now… Three days overdue!) and my response was: “What’s the problem? For the first year they cry, then they shout at you for seventeen years and in between that you do the school run, take them to the park, bribe them with sweets and occasionally send them to their room when they give you lip.” Ah. Parenthood. Easyeeeeeeee.

So I’ve been kidding myself for a decade now that just because I am a Mum and though I may have been married for ages, does NOT mean I am in any shape or form a PROPER GROWN UP. I’ve always sort the company of people older than myself for some reason, so I’ve always thought of myself as a bright young thing because in comparison to most of the people I hang around with, I’m generally between ten and fifteen years younger.

But this self denial came to an abrupt halt just a couple of months ago when I started to notice a few disturbing things:

1) People call me “madam” in shops
2) I’ve begun to notice actresses and actors in films playing young people are considerably younger than me – even when they’re too old to still be in high school
3) I’ve started making photo albums and scrapbooks of my children
4) I visit garden centres
5) I get ID’d in shops when buying alcohol by young whippersnapper teenage boys who think they’re paying “an older woman” a compliment
6) I have wrinkles that I call “laughter lines” by my eyes

I’m going to be thirty next year. THIRTY. This is terrible. By the time I am approximately thirty seven, my son will be making his UNIVERSITY CHOICES (and he better go or I’ll kick his ass – OH. MY. GOD).

When did I get old? Take today for example. I bought CURTAIN RAILS today and actually got a little bit excited about *finally* forcing the huisband to take down the horrible blinds the previous occupant of our house left behind. I wouldn’t have noticed there were even blinds in the house, let alone how horrible they were, as little as three years ago. What’s up with that??? Secondly, I found myself saying in the middle of the curtain rail shop:

“Do you sell knob ends for these?”

And wondering why the teenage shop assistant started laughing.

I’m doomed.

But until then, I know lots of you are still older than me, so thanks for that. It’s the one thing keeping me going. Anyway, early night for me…