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How To Banish Vashta Nerada (And Other Dr. Who Related Monsters)

Well, what do you know: turns out Vashta Nerada is gathering in huge quantities in Bournemouth, specifically, MY house! Thanks Steven Moffatt – just as the baby was beginning to sleep through the night, my nine year old is freaking out at every shadow. *Sigh*.

However, over the weekend I discovered that I can banish these little beasts, without the aid of a sonic screwdriver (with or without the red setting or dampers), or even a chicken leg. None of my children were eaten alive either (one in the eye for you, Dr. Who!).

1. Take one empty spray bottle.

2. Fill with two parts vinegar, one part washing up liquid (Vashta Nerada HATE acids – thanks ET, not alkalis).

3. Wearing rubber gloves and a snorkelling mask (where DID that come from?) enter child’s room humming the Mission Impossible theme tune and spray all the shadows, paying particular attention to the corners,

4. Child is now safe.

5. Repeat on nightly basis.

PLEASE NOTE: This only protects children from Dr. Who-related monsters. Creatures from Marvel Comics and horror movies have their own sprays and theme tunes.

This public information was brought to you by Bang2write.

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10 thoughts on “How To Banish Vashta Nerada (And Other Dr. Who Related Monsters)”

  1. Yes, but how do you know Vashta Nerada don’t like alkalis? How? And isn’t vinegar an acid?

    Reason I ask is because I too have a high concentration of VN in my house. Need answers quick!

  2. Evil, I’m a MOTHER – they give you a handbook when you give birth like the one Penny has in Inspector Gadget that tells you many things, amongst others how to defeat monsters from TV shows.

    It lied to me however re: vinegar, Wiki tells me you are correct – first time for everything I suppose!

    Whatever the case, Vashta Nerada do not like vinegar regardless of what it is, so you are now safe. You may now worship me.

  3. Lucy,

    Hate to tell you but I think vinegar is actually one of Kim and Aggie’s ‘How Clean is your House’ tips. Sorry.
    Fairly certain that the correct solution for Vashta Nerada is one part water to two parts cat pee. Honestly, I’ve heard it works a treat;)
    My daughter was at a friends house having a sleepover when the Vashta Nerada terror set in. Apparently they did’t go to sleep until 4am. But I got a very good night’s sleep 🙂

  4. What? And have your house smell of vinegar?

    Why not throw your kids into the shadows, prove there’s no monsters and tell them to stop being so fucking stupid?

    Would that work?

  5. And yet fatherhood beckons for you, Barron – mere days away in fact, yikes. Better start saving for the psychiatrist’s bills now!!!

  6. Ah you haven’t discovered the natural, inbuilt maternal monster deterent. Mine know that no monster would dare come in the house while I was there. Too scared.

    That includes VN (thankfully but several curses headed Mr Moffett’s way regardless), the wardrobe monster, the under the bed monster and the “water will kill me, won’t have a shower” monster.

    Sadly it doesn’t appear to be in the male genetic code, sorry Dads. This means I have to be a deterent by phone when away.

  7. Unfortunately my maternal inbuilt monster deterrent was compromised when I freaked out after watching The Descent a couple of years ago and slept with the light on for a month. My son found out about it thanks to the hub sleeping on the sofa due to said light. He now knows I am a FIBBER about monsters being afraid of me, damn!

  8. Yeah Phill!

    Too bad The Dr too didn’t have access to my anti-VN Spray, he clearly doesn’t read my blog (as a time traveller he could have read it in the future – what?!).

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